Monday, November 9, 2015

I Tried

It's Monday and a month since my dreary post. Sorry about that :/

Things are slowly moving in a better direction. I'm adjusting to our oldest son being out of the house and learning to let go of that "parental control." I'm working hard to step back and let him learn to live (mistakes and all) while figuring out the best way to help guide him when needed without seeming like I'm fussing. Tough balance.

In my last post, I also shared that I was teaching and the difficult time I was having adjusting to the job. Everything I'm experiencing, feeling, and thinking is completely normal for a first year teacher, I get that. However, after lots of weighed thoughts, prayers, and discussions, I decided to resign from teaching and the certification program because my family comes first and being a teacher just wasn't a fit for me.

I spent most of my day typing a detailed post sharing my thoughts, feelings, challenges of the work load, my lack of patience, things I've learned, classroom management stress, my work ethics, comparing my past experiences, etc...but teachers are the only ones who can really understand and appreciate most of those details. Plus, since my last post was a downer, I really don't want to sound negative again.

The past two years have been emotionally tough with living through Lily's cancer journey and my grandmother's sudden death last year, and the challenges of my job the year before. I just can't go on a third (or more) overly stressful year if I can help it. My confidence in my abilities took a bit hit, too. I have pushed my family to the side over these past few months for a career advancement and was always in a horrible mood. That's not fair to them, nor me, and I don't want to do that any more.

I'm not discouraging anyone from education and never will. I'm happy to see new teachers grow with true passion for education -- but for me, it's just not a fit, and that's ok. I'm really hard on myself so it's taking a lot of self-assurance not to consider this a failure or that I gave up too soon. I've been told by some that it takes a lot of courage to know when to walk away. I guess. I gave teaching a shot. I tried.

The program training gave me a good overview, understanding, and guidance for starting in the classroom and I probably would have been an effective teacher but the demands of the education profession is more than what I'd ever expected -- especially for me starting older and with a different background experience. I can say all the "I wish this..." and "If things were different (grade/school)" as I want but it doesn't matter all that much because I didn't feel successful or good at what I was doing.

I did enjoy working with my grade level team and getting to know the students, as well as learning more about the education profession. I enjoyed making items for my Disney-themed classroom. I am proud of our school district successes. This experience has only deepened my appreciation and admiration for teachers. Seriously, love your teachers - until you've walked in their shoes, you have NO idea what teachers do for our children's success.

So now what? I wish I could say that I have a fabulous new job that's totally suited for my personality, but I don't. I have to pick myself up like I've done in the past and move forward. I believe there is a reason why God leads us down certain paths. I'm desperately trying to figure out what he was trying to show me over these past six months but I'm sure that will come in time.

In the meantime, like the saying goes, "it's back to the drawing board." I'm brushing off the dust that collected on my Etsy shop: and ready to work on new party designs :) I have my resume updated and out. I'm also considering again the option of becoming a Disney travel agent since anyone and everyone who knows me, knows I'm passionate for anything and everything Disney. For now, I'm looking forward to take some time to get my home and life back in order! Until next time...


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